Well, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Actually, that's a lie. 1) I am procrastinating on a paper that I need to write and 2) I am (perhaps futilely) trying to keep this blog alive. For what reason, I have no idea.
I have, my dear readers, nothing to report though. Since I last wrote, I have traveled to school, gone to 95% of my scheduled classes, studied, volunteered, found a menial job doing useless things, and seen New Moon (yes, even I succumbed to it).
But I have a problem. A condition, if you will. And that condition is FutureLook. I am perpetually looking forward - to the next month, the next place, the next event that will change/define/create my life. I am constantly chiding myself to stay in the present, find things to be grateful for that are in the present.
Not that I don't notice and love the things I have - a lovely apartment in the best location I could ask for, the softest cat you've seen, access to innumerable resources (bless you, oh cities of the world), friends close and abroad...
Who knows, maybe someday I'll learn to look at the things I'm doing that moment and be as excited as I am about the things I might be doing three months from now. Maybe I just haven't found the thing that excited me enough to do that. Maybe it's just the I-want-to-be-done-here college jitters (can those start one semester in?). Or maybe, in the good ol'd American way, my condition can be medicated.
But for now, I will write my history paper about WWI in an effort to finish one more section of life. I will hang out with a friend and enjoy their company. I will bask in the rare sun that the gods of Portland have decided to give us low dwellers. And then I will get back online and read about opportunities that I might be eligible for in five years. Mmm, future.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Financing hippiehood through the elephant
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away - namely South Dakota three years ago - a young woman was impressed by her father's rich friend offer to give her a "scholarship" for her pricey college education.
Present day, I am writing a semi-regular update to said supporters, thanking them profusely - as I should, because they are wonderful, generous people.
The hilarious, ironic, or even depressing part (depending on your outlook) is when I looked up their address. In the wide world of the internet the first link that popped up was from the Huffington Post, showing campaign donations across the country. The people financing my crunchy tye-dye liberal education in TWO different schools has donated multiple thousands to John McCain, Mitt Romney, and everyone's favorite - George Bush the Younger. Weird, huh?
Should I feel guilty from taking their money, or accept it in the argument that I might as well finance my education any way I can? Is it a lesson in the bridge between party lines, the ability to see beyond elephants and asses, is possible - at least in an individual sense? But the cynic inside me doesn't think so. Whatever it is, it challenges the deep-rooted thoughts I have and forces me to believe in something greater - if only for a fleeting second.
Present day, I am writing a semi-regular update to said supporters, thanking them profusely - as I should, because they are wonderful, generous people.
The hilarious, ironic, or even depressing part (depending on your outlook) is when I looked up their address. In the wide world of the internet the first link that popped up was from the Huffington Post, showing campaign donations across the country. The people financing my crunchy tye-dye liberal education in TWO different schools has donated multiple thousands to John McCain, Mitt Romney, and everyone's favorite - George Bush the Younger. Weird, huh?
Should I feel guilty from taking their money, or accept it in the argument that I might as well finance my education any way I can? Is it a lesson in the bridge between party lines, the ability to see beyond elephants and asses, is possible - at least in an individual sense? But the cynic inside me doesn't think so. Whatever it is, it challenges the deep-rooted thoughts I have and forces me to believe in something greater - if only for a fleeting second.
Monday, August 17, 2009
P.S.
My schedule at the moment:
International Economics
Film and Health (cluster requirement)
Geography of World Affairs
Aaaiiieeee I need one more! I have a love/hate relationship with class scheduling.
International Economics
Film and Health (cluster requirement)
Geography of World Affairs
Aaaiiieeee I need one more! I have a love/hate relationship with class scheduling.
A continual effort to do this regularly.
After a summer of (in a nutshell) working in a dining hall, biking, hanging with friends (well, mostly friend), and living at home, I am ready for school. So ready for school - the beginning of the summer left me with nothing to look forward to - more imbecile professors, dull papers, and rote memory tests. But behold! Two months of living of navigating the parental conflict, not only verbally and emotionally, but physically (I'll just say that I'm glad we've collected contact lens cases over the years).
So yes, Portland's charm has increased in my eye considerably over the past weeks. The room I am going to move into seems perfect in my mind, ready to be decorated. It has transformed from a spot of long loneliness to comfortable, cozy home.
Similarly, my "measly three friends" in Portland have turned into an abundance - who needs more than that? After Petaluma it seems like such a delight. I'm even excited about being in charge of making my own food - that will last all of three days. Or one.
What I'm trying to say is...Petaluma is all fine and good, and I love my room (newly moved and gooooorgeous perfect), but wow I want my own life back. Boring, life-wasting classes and all.
So yes, Portland's charm has increased in my eye considerably over the past weeks. The room I am going to move into seems perfect in my mind, ready to be decorated. It has transformed from a spot of long loneliness to comfortable, cozy home.
Similarly, my "measly three friends" in Portland have turned into an abundance - who needs more than that? After Petaluma it seems like such a delight. I'm even excited about being in charge of making my own food - that will last all of three days. Or one.
What I'm trying to say is...Petaluma is all fine and good, and I love my room (newly moved and gooooorgeous perfect), but wow I want my own life back. Boring, life-wasting classes and all.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The After Effects
I wonder how many students pull all nighters in their college years. I wonder how many feel so remarkably normal, or even better than most mornings, at 7am. Perhaps if you don't do it often, and actually grab your eight (okay, okay, seven) daily hours of sleep, it actually works when you need it to.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Alright, here we go.
Over the past month, I've debated about "blogging" about my experiences as a college student. I think I have interesting experiences, and a decent writing style, but these days who doesn't? The blog in combination with our gung-ho individualism has become a venue for every stupid person to share their deep thoughts on the mundane actions they go through every day. Whoohoo for you, now shut up.
So after declaring that - why yes, I will start writing here! And I'm procrastinating on my final, which I don't want to write. So here goes.
It's funny how each class develops a routine, an unofficial but completely known outcast/annoying student, and its own secret jokes. There is one guy in two of my classes, Fahad, who has become notorious in both for his strange questions. In an education class, he spent 10 minutes explaining the different between classical conditioning and operant. No one cared, though I was amused by his example of negative reinforcement: "and I say 'if you don't brush your teeth I'll, I don't know, stick this pencil in your eye'." Whoa man! Haha.
I didn't have much antipathy towards the guy - though such characters are annoying for monopolizing class time with idiotic questions, I generally feel sorry for them. I can imagine they feel the waves of annoyance and disdain that other students are inevitably sending (I am too, probably). Ironically, I think this is part of my larger issue - judgment. My own face, in making a comment, goes bright red as a speak. 70% of the time. Even when I believe what I am saying. And I judge others on their comments so often, I think I imagine that they are judging me. Oh Zoe, you tortured soul.
But on a break time, Fahad mentioned how awesome it was that 'all these girls are walking around in bikinis' with some kind of disgusting grin on his face. Really, buddy? Do you have to think like that? You just replaced my somewhat-sympathy with low-level hatred.
Then there are the graduate students, who sit in a row, like a line of crows on a telephone wire, behind me. There is an unconscious divide between the graduates and undergraduates, especially progressing into the course. One boy, in particular, who I will not grace with a name (because I don't remember it) makes a goal of mentioning as many other countries as possible. "The political schema in Nigeria at the time could be compared to the post-modernist hegemony in Bosnia in the 50's - you know, the pre-socialist realism the two have in common?" WOW. You are intelligent.
Enough said. I.e., procrastination time is over. Adios, invisible audience.
So after declaring that - why yes, I will start writing here! And I'm procrastinating on my final, which I don't want to write. So here goes.
It's funny how each class develops a routine, an unofficial but completely known outcast/annoying student, and its own secret jokes. There is one guy in two of my classes, Fahad, who has become notorious in both for his strange questions. In an education class, he spent 10 minutes explaining the different between classical conditioning and operant. No one cared, though I was amused by his example of negative reinforcement: "and I say 'if you don't brush your teeth I'll, I don't know, stick this pencil in your eye'." Whoa man! Haha.
I didn't have much antipathy towards the guy - though such characters are annoying for monopolizing class time with idiotic questions, I generally feel sorry for them. I can imagine they feel the waves of annoyance and disdain that other students are inevitably sending (I am too, probably). Ironically, I think this is part of my larger issue - judgment. My own face, in making a comment, goes bright red as a speak. 70% of the time. Even when I believe what I am saying. And I judge others on their comments so often, I think I imagine that they are judging me. Oh Zoe, you tortured soul.
But on a break time, Fahad mentioned how awesome it was that 'all these girls are walking around in bikinis' with some kind of disgusting grin on his face. Really, buddy? Do you have to think like that? You just replaced my somewhat-sympathy with low-level hatred.
Then there are the graduate students, who sit in a row, like a line of crows on a telephone wire, behind me. There is an unconscious divide between the graduates and undergraduates, especially progressing into the course. One boy, in particular, who I will not grace with a name (because I don't remember it) makes a goal of mentioning as many other countries as possible. "The political schema in Nigeria at the time could be compared to the post-modernist hegemony in Bosnia in the 50's - you know, the pre-socialist realism the two have in common?" WOW. You are intelligent.
Enough said. I.e., procrastination time is over. Adios, invisible audience.
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